A girl called me the other day and said come there is no one at home.I went over there was no body not even the girl.........
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One lady delivered twins , surprisingly one is boy and one is dog...
How is it possible?...
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Because, Her husband is "HUTCH DEALER".....
Wherever u go our network follows u...
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A man noticed his very conservative co-worker wearing an ear-ring.
He asked him, "Since when have you been wearing that?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
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A chinese pair, Mr. and Mrs. hua got twins without getting married.
Guess, what did they named them?
Ans: Jo hua, So hua.
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God thought he cannot b everywhere so he made mother.devil thoughtt he cannot b everywhere so he made mother-in-law
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Boy:I think you wud look better if you were 1 kg lesser
Girl:sure thing honey
Boy:In my opinion ur clothes weigh 1 kg
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Ways of proposing for valentines day:
"I feel like cursing u,for all sleepless nights u hav given me ...
u'll have a son ,who will go mad after my daughter,jus like the way i am mad after u .........But then ......... y trouble those innocent ones ... Come lets make them brothers n sisters!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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DIARY
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for
Bob. Today I made an
angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have
enough bowls to do that,
so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without
dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper
that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice."So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming
the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the
rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over
the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over
there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all
right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a
bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been
something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the
same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never
noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought
the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in
the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.
Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to
come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
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General Humor -
BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!-
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .
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Type Of Boys -
HARD-DISK Boys: He remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Boys: He forgets about you, the moment you turn him off.
WINDOWS Boys: Everyone knows that he can't do a thing right, but no one can live without him.
SCREENSAVER Boys: He is good for nothing but at least he is fun!
INTERNET Boys: Difficult to access.
SERVER Boys: Always busy when you need him.
MULTIMEDIA Boys: He makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Boys: He is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Boys: Every ten things he says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Boys: Also known as "Husband"; when you are not expecting him, he comes, installs himself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall him you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall him you will lose everything.......
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A Woman selected a short Man to marry... Why? Because someone told her that the trouble should be as less as possible.
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Q: Why do boys goes to temples?
Becoz temple is the only place where u can find..
Pooja, Bhawna, Shraddha, Aarti, Archana, Aradhana, Shanti, Jyoti ... AND Finally..... TRIPTI.....
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Shaadi ki Dastaan -
Abhi shaadi ka pehla hi saal tha, khushi ke maare mera bura haal tha,
khushiyaan kuch yoon umad rahin thi, ki sambhale nahi sambhal rahi thi,
subah subah madam ka chai le kar aana thoda sharmate hue hume need se jagana,
wo pyaar bhara hath humare ballon main phirana, muskurate hue kehna ki darling chai to pi lo,
jaldi se ready ho jao, aap ko office bhi hai jana.
gharwali bhagwan ka roop le kar aayi thi, dil or dimag par poori tarah chai thi,
saans bhi lete thy to naam usi ka hota tha, ik pal bhi door jeena dushwar hota tha.
*5 saal baad........*
subah subah madam ka chai le kar aana, table par rakh kar jor se chilana,
aaj office jao to munna ko school chodte hue jana..............
ek baar phir wohi awaaj ayi, kya baat hai abhi tak chhodi nahi charpai,
agar munna late ho gaya to dekh lena, munna ki teachers ko phir khud hi sambhaal lena.
na jane gharwali kaisa roop le kar aayi thi, dil aur dimaag par kali ghata chai thi,
sans bhi lete hai to uni ka khayal hota hai, har samay jehan main ek hi sawal hota hai,
kya kabhi wo din lot ke ayenge, hum ek bar phir kuwaaren ban payenge.
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All about MEN -
Why do men like smart women?
..Opposites attract.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
..Because after 20 seconds they forget what happened!
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
..To stop the snoring before it starts!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
..We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
..Make him wear shoes!
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
.."My wife says..."
Why do women live longer than men?
..Someone has to stick around and clean up after them!
Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
..He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman you can rearrange his face.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot easier for men than for women?
..Because when it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
..Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.
What did God say after creating man?
..Hmm, I can do better!
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Girl: Bhagwaan................. Mujhe dard de,
Dukh de, Tension de,
Mujhe barbaad kar de,
Mere peeche bhoot laga de...
Bhagwaan: Aare yaar ... ek line mein bol ke Husband chahiye....... :)
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Creation -
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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Oh God, why made me Guy!
It's Tough Being a Guy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore
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Mathematic Love Letter -
16, Quadratic Equation,
Circle Road,
Binomial Junction
Dear Differentiation,
Without you, there is no existence of my functions as they are the basis of our life. Our love is always a Straight Line. There are no limits of our love and it is continuous at every point of life. Our love is so strong that no one can differentiate you and no one can integrate me. Our love is free from Complex Numbers & it is now in a state of Progression and Series. The Probability of getting apart from each other is Nil between us. Our love story is totally based on Intermediate Value Theorem which nobody in this world like FIITJEE, Brilliant, Apex, Bansal or Arihant can explain. OK Darling, Bye.
Yours mathematically,
Integration
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Difference Between Men and Women -
1. A man will pay 2 Rs. for a 1 Rs. item he wants. A woman will pay 1 Rs. for a 2 Rs. item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
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Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya, Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Ha
Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai, Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye, Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge,Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi, Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap, Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap
Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic, Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage
Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun? , Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Reason
Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen, Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?
Shaadi ke pehle - Chal chayya chayya , Shaadi ke baad - Aa aab laut chale
Shaadi ke pehle- Hum aapke dil main rehte hain, Shaadi ke baad - Hum apke ghar main rehte hain
Shaadi ke pehle - Arzoo, Shaadi ke baad - Asoo
Shaadi ke pehle - Aoldier, Shaadi ke baad - Major sahib
Shaadi ke pehle - Pyaar hona hi tha, Shaadi ke baad - Meri saath esa kyu hua
Shaadi ke pehle - Jeevan saathi, Shaadi ke baad - Bachcho ke baad, bangaye hathi
Shaadi ke pehle - Deewana, Shaadi ke baad - Anjaam
Shaadi ke pehle - Laila majnoo, Shaadi ke baad - Dono majnoon
Shaadi ke pehle - Taj mahal, Shaadi ke baad - Sadak
Shaadi ke pehle - Tammana, Shaadi ke baad - Tamasha
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Love Life and Indian Advertisement Lines -
Want to propose a girl- Just do it - Nike
Before going to propose to a girl- Believe in the best - BPL.
If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl- Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo - Vicks.
If you are going to propose to a girl - Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.
If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her- Take it easy - Limca.
Girl says NO !- Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.
Those who succeed in love always say- We dream because we do - Daewoo.
If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend- Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.
If you love someone- Go get it - Visa power.
Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl- Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.
Not satisfied with your date- Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.
A guy having a number of girl friends- The Complete Man - Raymonds.
A smart girl having a number of boyfriends- Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.
For those lost in love- Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.
For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one- Dhoondte rehe jayo ge - Surf Exel
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DEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE -
[1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history;
[2] a word that should be pronounced as "mirage";
[3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;
[4] a very good way to promote civilization - if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates};
[5] a process much like a cafeteria - you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best - and pay later;
[6] an event which is called "tying the knot" - unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;
[7] a word which always means commitment - but so does insanity;
[8] a ceremony favored in England - it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;
[9] something that changes the demeanor of a driver - there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;
[10] the only permanent cure for love;
[11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile;
[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;
[13] something which is called a feast - unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course;
[14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;
[15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;
[16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction;
[17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;
[18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;
[19] a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part;
[20] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;
[21] in America, is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech;
[22] is made out of two toothbrushes but a single tube of toothpaste;
[23] is just a three-ring circus: engagement, wedding, and suffer;
[24] the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred;
[25] a condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting;
[26] **the ceremony which provides a man with something that, sooner or later, he will find he can't blame on the government;
[27] a tradition which would suffer considerably if men had to pay the minister the same fee they will eventually have to pay the divorce lawyer;
[28] is much like a pair of shears, so joined so the parts cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who tries to come between them;
[29] the continuous process of getting used to things you never expected;
[30] a status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure;
[31] is a book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the pages is prose;
[32] a bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain;
[33] in Japanese is called "Judo" - the art of conquering by yielding. This is the western equivalent of "Yes, dear";
[34] a confrontation which always demands the greatest understanding of the subtle art of insincerity possible between two human beings;
[35] is not a word, but a sentence;
[36] a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;
[37] an investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest.
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Batao kya chahiye!!!!
'MAUSAM' kaisa bhi ho, 'SAWAN KI GHATA' chhayee ho ya 'BARSAAT' ki jhari, 'KALI RAAT' kyun na ho, agar ho 'TUM', 'SIRF TUM', rahenge akele 'HUM AUR TUM' phir chaho mujhse 'PYAR', 'MOHABBAT', 'CHAHAT' ya 'JUNOON' Aaj tum 'DIL' maango, De Denge...! 'DHADKAN' maango De Denge...!! 'JIGAR' Maango...!!! De Denge...!!! ' JAAN' tak Maango....To wo bhi de Sakte hai.....!!!! Kyunki Ab isme kyunki kahan se aa gaya Aaj sabhi films ki CD available hai, Bas kehne bhar ki der hai!!!
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Boyfriend-Sorry mein tumse shadi nahi kar sakta gharwale mana kar rahe hai. Girlfriend-Ghar me kaun kaun hai? Boyfriend-1 biwi aur 2 bachhe!
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Need one gal 2 marry... Age no bar, Color no bar, height no bar, caste no bar, but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS jis tarah heere ko heera katta hai... sone ko sona katta hai.... lohe ko loha katta hai.... theek usi tarah dekh lena ek din tumhe kutta katega....
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The wife stands in front of a mirror."you know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror & I see an old woman, face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms" She turns to her husb & says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He says in a soft voice,"your eye sight is perfect"
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Sita: Truck ka horn sunkar tum kaampne kyu lagte ho? Titu: Ek truck driver meri biwi ko bhagaa le gaya tha, lagta hai jaise usko vapas laya ho.
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The Silent Treatment -
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a pieceof paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
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A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?" He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii." The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?" He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."
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Life isn't fair to men. When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
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The average man's life consists of - twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
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Exams -
Exams are like BOY FRIENDS;
1.Too Many Questions.
2.Difficult to Understand.
3.More Explanation is Needed.
4.Result is always FAIL!
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Three Feelings -
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
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The Equation -
7 Glance = 1 Smile, 7 Smile = 1 Meeting, 7 Meeting = 1 Kiss, 7 Kisses = 1 Proposal, 7 Proposal = 1 Marriage , And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems. So beware of glance!
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Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
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Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
Engineering Jokes
Murphy's technology laws
* Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
* Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
* Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
* If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
* The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
* The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
* An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. great discoveries are made by mistake.
* Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
* All's well that ends.
* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
* The first myth of management is that it exists.
* A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
* New systems generate new problems.
* To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
* We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
* Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Arthur C. Clark
* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
* The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
* To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
* After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
* Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
* A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
* If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
* Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
* .Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
* Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
* If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
* The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
* In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
* Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
* All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
* The only perfect science is hind-sight.
* Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
* If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
* If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
* When all else fails, read the instructions.
* If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
* Everything that goes up must come down.
Corollary: Not always
The corollary was sent by the Dark Templar
* Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
* Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
* Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
* The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
* A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
* There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
* The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
* If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Sent by - Anthony Johnson
* If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you:
1. no longer need it
2. are in the middle of something else
3. don't want it to be fixed, because you really don't want to do what you were supposed to do
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INTERVIEW
Subj: electrical engg
People come up with peculiar or funny answers in interviews or exams:
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as
compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more
space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it
was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put
back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through
?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this -----
-----, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right
over the capacitor!"
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the
ground?"
(student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"
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Engineering Days....dialogues Reminds us of those engineering days.... 4 years of non-stop of what follows... day after day... Engineering Dialogues - 1. On being Late (standing at the door... gesturing to a friend) "Andar aaon kya? Kab chalu hua?" "Attendance ho gaya kya??" "I was searching for the Classroom" "Train was late" 2. During the lecture "mera assignment tere paas hai??" "Kya bore ho raha hai. Bola tha bunk karenge." "Heads, we go home, Tails, we go home now!!!" "Journal sheet hai??" 3. Lab "Expt. 2 likha??" "Idhar Karna kya hai??" 4. Unit Test "Oh !!! Itna syllabus cover ho gaya?" "Aaj kounsa test hai?" 5. For attendance (less attendance isliye attendance badane ke liye bahane) "I forgot the I-card , so watchman didn't let me in" 6. Late submission of assignments "Maine ukko bola thaa ki copy karke mera assgnment bhi saath mein submit kar dena" "Last date extend hua thaa" "I didn't know the last date" 7. VIVA (after exam) "Yeh bhi syllabus mein thaa kya?" "Achha !!! ye aise hota hai kya?" "Ye subject ka reference book kounsa hai" " 8. VIVA (b4 exam) "Submission ab tak hua nahi hai , VIVA kya ghanta doonga" "Dekh Boss!! external bhi aadmi hai. Usko pata hai students ka ab tak preparation nahi hua hai" 9. VIVA (General) "Dekh , tu jo bhi padhega , woh (external) tereko woh nahi poochhnewaala, then watz the point" "Roll no. 1 aur 2 ko wapas bulaaya hai" "External is asking Bermuda Triangle ka Magnetic force kitna hai" "Ye kounse subject mein aata hai" "Aaj kounsa Viva hai?" 10. Submission "Ye bhi chhapna hai kya?" "Iska bhi print-out lena hai kya?" "Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?" 11. A convo: "Ye tune kya likha hai????" "Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh, jo nahi samajh mein aa raha hai uska drawing nikal" "Phir bhi, kuch to idea hoga??" "Maine uska likha hai, mera assignment check ho gaya, tu bhi wohi kar. Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh , jo nahi samajh mein aa raha hai woh chhod de." 12. Exam "Jo (mujhe)aata hai, woh (paper mein)aata nahi hai; jo nahi aata hai woh aata hai" "ye question 2 saal se nahi poochha hai" "ye last time hi poochha thaa" "tere paas iske notes hai??" "woh chapter... mark weightage 6 marks... (facial ex-pressions speaks the story)" "nahi samjha to rat le" (when someone is intensively doing his last revision) "Yeh nahi aayega !!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woh College ke Din.... Yeh degree bhi lelo ye naukari bhi lelo, Bhale Chheen lo mujhse USA ka Visa
magar mujhko lauta do college ki canteen, vo chaay ka pani vo teeKha samosaa
college ki sabse purani nishaanee, vo chaayvaalaa jise saare kehte the... jaani
vo jaani ke hathon ki 'cutting' chaay meethee, vo chupkese journal mein bheji hui chitthi
vo padh te hi chiththi uska bhadakna, vo chehre ki laali vo aankhon ka gussaa...
kadi dhoop mein apne ghar se nikalnaa, vo project ki Khatir shahar bhar bhataknaa
vo lecture mein doston ki proxy lagaanaa, vo sir ko chidhanaa ,vo aeroplane udaanaa
vo submission ki raton ko jagnaa jagaanaa, vo orals ki kahani vo practical ka kissaa....
bimaari ka detention ke time bahanaa, vo doosron ke assignments ko apnaa banaanaa
vo seminar ke din paironka chhatpatanaa, vo works! hop mein din raat pasinaa bahanaa
vo exam ke din ka bechain maahaul, par vo maa ka vishvas - Teachar ka Bharosaa...
Tour ki! wo lambisi raatein, vo doston se canteen me pyaari si baatein
vo gathering ke din ka ladnaa Jhagadnaa, vo Teachers ka yuhin hamesha akadnaa
bhulaaye nahin bhool sakta hai koi, vo college, vo shararatein vo javani...
vo kagaz ki kashti vo barish ka pani...
Always keep a photo of your "BoyFriend or Husband"in your purse. Look at it when you are in trouble.U'll feel that other problems are not as big as this one.
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* Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
* Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
* Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
* If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
* The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
* The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
* An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. great discoveries are made by mistake.
* Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
* All's well that ends.
* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
* The first myth of management is that it exists.
* A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
* New systems generate new problems.
* To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
* We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
* Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Arthur C. Clark
* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
* The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
* To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
* After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
* Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
* A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
* If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
* Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
* .Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
* Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
* If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
* The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
* In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
* Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
* All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
* The only perfect science is hind-sight.
* Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
* If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
* If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
* When all else fails, read the instructions.
* If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
* Everything that goes up must come down.
Corollary: Not always
The corollary was sent by the Dark Templar
* Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
* Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
* Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
* The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
* A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
* There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
* The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
* If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Sent by - Anthony Johnson
* If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you:
1. no longer need it
2. are in the middle of something else
3. don't want it to be fixed, because you really don't want to do what you were supposed to do
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INTERVIEW
Subj: electrical engg
People come up with peculiar or funny answers in interviews or exams:
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as
compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more
space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it
was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put
back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through
?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this -----
-----, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right
over the capacitor!"
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the
ground?"
(student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Engineering Days....dialogues Reminds us of those engineering days.... 4 years of non-stop of what follows... day after day... Engineering Dialogues - 1. On being Late (standing at the door... gesturing to a friend) "Andar aaon kya? Kab chalu hua?" "Attendance ho gaya kya??" "I was searching for the Classroom" "Train was late" 2. During the lecture "mera assignment tere paas hai??" "Kya bore ho raha hai. Bola tha bunk karenge." "Heads, we go home, Tails, we go home now!!!" "Journal sheet hai??" 3. Lab "Expt. 2 likha??" "Idhar Karna kya hai??" 4. Unit Test "Oh !!! Itna syllabus cover ho gaya?" "Aaj kounsa test hai?" 5. For attendance (less attendance isliye attendance badane ke liye bahane) "I forgot the I-card , so watchman didn't let me in" 6. Late submission of assignments "Maine ukko bola thaa ki copy karke mera assgnment bhi saath mein submit kar dena" "Last date extend hua thaa" "I didn't know the last date" 7. VIVA (after exam) "Yeh bhi syllabus mein thaa kya?" "Achha !!! ye aise hota hai kya?" "Ye subject ka reference book kounsa hai" " 8. VIVA (b4 exam) "Submission ab tak hua nahi hai , VIVA kya ghanta doonga" "Dekh Boss!! external bhi aadmi hai. Usko pata hai students ka ab tak preparation nahi hua hai" 9. VIVA (General) "Dekh , tu jo bhi padhega , woh (external) tereko woh nahi poochhnewaala, then watz the point" "Roll no. 1 aur 2 ko wapas bulaaya hai" "External is asking Bermuda Triangle ka Magnetic force kitna hai" "Ye kounse subject mein aata hai" "Aaj kounsa Viva hai?" 10. Submission "Ye bhi chhapna hai kya?" "Iska bhi print-out lena hai kya?" "Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?" 11. A convo: "Ye tune kya likha hai????" "Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh, jo nahi samajh mein aa raha hai uska drawing nikal" "Phir bhi, kuch to idea hoga??" "Maine uska likha hai, mera assignment check ho gaya, tu bhi wohi kar. Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh , jo nahi samajh mein aa raha hai woh chhod de." 12. Exam "Jo (mujhe)aata hai, woh (paper mein)aata nahi hai; jo nahi aata hai woh aata hai" "ye question 2 saal se nahi poochha hai" "ye last time hi poochha thaa" "tere paas iske notes hai??" "woh chapter... mark weightage 6 marks... (facial ex-pressions speaks the story)" "nahi samjha to rat le" (when someone is intensively doing his last revision) "Yeh nahi aayega !!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woh College ke Din.... Yeh degree bhi lelo ye naukari bhi lelo, Bhale Chheen lo mujhse USA ka Visa
magar mujhko lauta do college ki canteen, vo chaay ka pani vo teeKha samosaa
college ki sabse purani nishaanee, vo chaayvaalaa jise saare kehte the... jaani
vo jaani ke hathon ki 'cutting' chaay meethee, vo chupkese journal mein bheji hui chitthi
vo padh te hi chiththi uska bhadakna, vo chehre ki laali vo aankhon ka gussaa...
kadi dhoop mein apne ghar se nikalnaa, vo project ki Khatir shahar bhar bhataknaa
vo lecture mein doston ki proxy lagaanaa, vo sir ko chidhanaa ,vo aeroplane udaanaa
vo submission ki raton ko jagnaa jagaanaa, vo orals ki kahani vo practical ka kissaa....
bimaari ka detention ke time bahanaa, vo doosron ke assignments ko apnaa banaanaa
vo seminar ke din paironka chhatpatanaa, vo works! hop mein din raat pasinaa bahanaa
vo exam ke din ka bechain maahaul, par vo maa ka vishvas - Teachar ka Bharosaa...
Tour ki! wo lambisi raatein, vo doston se canteen me pyaari si baatein
vo gathering ke din ka ladnaa Jhagadnaa, vo Teachers ka yuhin hamesha akadnaa
bhulaaye nahin bhool sakta hai koi, vo college, vo shararatein vo javani...
vo kagaz ki kashti vo barish ka pani...
Always keep a photo of your "BoyFriend or Husband"in your purse. Look at it when you are in trouble.U'll feel that other problems are not as big as this one.
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Sunday, July 8, 2007
Innocent Jokes
Arun and Tharun were fighting after exam. Then their sir came and asked
Sir: Why r u fighting?
Arun: Sir, this fool left the answer sheet blank.
Sir: so what?
Arun: Even i did the same . now teacher will think that we have copied
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Teacher:If i had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other,
what would i have?
Class comedian:Big Hands.
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A men fell from a 60 foot ladder.still he dint get hurt. The ladder is kept against the wall.explain?
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Ans:He fell from the first step
which mouse walks on two legs???
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ans:mickey mouse
Which duck walks on two legs???
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ans: All ducks walk on two legs
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
Johnny Martin: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Johnny Martin: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Johnny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
JOHNNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
JOHNNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
JOHNNY: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Johnny!
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TEACHER: Johnny, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
JOHNNY: Me!
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TEACHER: Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
JOHNNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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JOHNNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
JOHNNY: Your name on this report card.
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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOHNNY: Don't bite any.
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TEACHER: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
JOHNNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johnny. Always say, "I am."
JOHNNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of "COIINCIDENCE?"
Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday
sametime."
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Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
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Johnny: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Johnny: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
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Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is
green
and one is blue with red spots!
Johnny : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the
same at home.
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Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Johnny: Brotherly love.
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Teacher: Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?
Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
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Teacher: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same
as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog
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Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people
are no longer interested?
Johnny : A teacher.
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student declaration at the end of answer papper..
"i hereby declare that the answer written above are true to the best of my friend's knowledge and i claim no responsibility what so ever of the correctness of the answer. all the lines i m writing are fictitius and are not related to any real subject matter"
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Murphy's toddlers laws
* When you need to carry a child they will want to walk.
* When you want them to walk they will want to be carried.
* When you bring the stroller they will want to walk.
* When you forget the stroller they will want to ride.
* The more potential a food has for stains the greater the coverage area when it is hurled by a child.
Corollary: The more potential a food has for stains the more expensive the item of clothing/fabric/furniture it strikes.
The corollary was sent by Grotblik
* A child's favorite one day is never a favorite the next day (especially food).
* The intensity of the tantrum is directly proportional to the amount of people around to witness.
* If it's mine it's mine,
if it's yours it's mine,
if I like it is mine,
if I can take it from you it is mine,
if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
if I think it is mine it is,
if I saw it first it's mine,
if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
if it is broken it is yours.
* If I make a mess you must clean it up
* If I broke it, its your fault
The last two laws were sent by Rose Wassef
* The louder you speak and the more you repeat something is inversely proportional to the amount of information taken in.
* Soccer, Dance, Basketball, Softball, Piano, Girl(Boy)Scouts (etc.) is always on the same day with less then 5 minutes between.
* The more preparation time for the meal the less likely a child is to eat it.
* As soon as the snow suit, and all of the paraphernalia that accompanies, is on the child will have to use the bathroom.
* As soon as the child is in the car and the car has left the driveway the child will have to use the bathroom.
* The clothes/shoes you bought last week will not fit this week or will not be "cool" enough for this week.
* The amount of sound from the other room is inversely proportional to the amount of trouble the child is getting into.
* The more you paid for the car seat the more the child will hate it.
* When you are in a hurry the child will dawdle.
* The greater the importance of the phone call the bigger the mess the child will make or the louder the tantrum the child will have.
Sent by Stacy Robarge
* The availability of daycare is directly proportionate to how badly you need it.
* Your child will always wait until you are fully dressed for work before spilling their food on you.
The last two laws were sent by Acacia Anderson
* The later you let a child stay up at night, the earlier he will wake up in the morning.
Sent by Mary Streeter
* If I hid it well enough it will always be mine
Sent by Jennifer Parkins
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Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much, Dad, just a radio with a sports car around it!
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Bulldog for sale, playful, eats anything, loves children
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TEACHER:which is the most important to us,the sun or the moon?
PUPIL:"THE MOON"
TEACHER:y?
PUPIL:the moon gives us light at night when we need it BUT,..the sun gives us light only in the day time ,...when we don't need it.
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A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across
a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an
arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy
carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the
arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did
you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The
boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you
came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target
around it."
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Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence Student : WOW !
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M I S T A K E -
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident..
If a doctor makes a mistake, It's an operation..
If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a new theory...
If a student makes a mistake, It is a MISTAKE.
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Question:What is the fullform of maths. Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students
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Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ? Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
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Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it. Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it. Teacher :Why? Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
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Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?" Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time." Teacher: How old is ur father. Sunny:As old as I am. Teacher:How is it possible? Sunny:He became father only after I was born.
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Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age? STUDENT:32 yrs. Teacher:How do you know? STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she! is half mad.
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Teacher: Where does God live? Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom. Teacher: Why do you say that? Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
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Teacher:"What is your name?". Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash h! ai." Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english." Student:"My name is Sunlight."
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Sir: Why r u fighting?
Arun: Sir, this fool left the answer sheet blank.
Sir: so what?
Arun: Even i did the same . now teacher will think that we have copied
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Teacher:If i had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other,
what would i have?
Class comedian:Big Hands.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A men fell from a 60 foot ladder.still he dint get hurt. The ladder is kept against the wall.explain?
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Ans:He fell from the first step
which mouse walks on two legs???
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ans:mickey mouse
Which duck walks on two legs???
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ans: All ducks walk on two legs
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
Johnny Martin: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Johnny Martin: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Johnny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
JOHNNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
JOHNNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
JOHNNY: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Johnny!
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TEACHER: Johnny, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
JOHNNY: Me!
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TEACHER: Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
JOHNNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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JOHNNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
JOHNNY: Your name on this report card.
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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOHNNY: Don't bite any.
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TEACHER: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
JOHNNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johnny. Always say, "I am."
JOHNNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of "COIINCIDENCE?"
Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday
sametime."
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Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
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Johnny: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Johnny: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
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Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is
green
and one is blue with red spots!
Johnny : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the
same at home.
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Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Johnny: Brotherly love.
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Teacher: Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?
Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
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Teacher: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same
as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog
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Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people
are no longer interested?
Johnny : A teacher.
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student declaration at the end of answer papper..
"i hereby declare that the answer written above are true to the best of my friend's knowledge and i claim no responsibility what so ever of the correctness of the answer. all the lines i m writing are fictitius and are not related to any real subject matter"
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Murphy's toddlers laws
* When you need to carry a child they will want to walk.
* When you want them to walk they will want to be carried.
* When you bring the stroller they will want to walk.
* When you forget the stroller they will want to ride.
* The more potential a food has for stains the greater the coverage area when it is hurled by a child.
Corollary: The more potential a food has for stains the more expensive the item of clothing/fabric/furniture it strikes.
The corollary was sent by Grotblik
* A child's favorite one day is never a favorite the next day (especially food).
* The intensity of the tantrum is directly proportional to the amount of people around to witness.
* If it's mine it's mine,
if it's yours it's mine,
if I like it is mine,
if I can take it from you it is mine,
if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
if I think it is mine it is,
if I saw it first it's mine,
if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
if it is broken it is yours.
* If I make a mess you must clean it up
* If I broke it, its your fault
The last two laws were sent by Rose Wassef
* The louder you speak and the more you repeat something is inversely proportional to the amount of information taken in.
* Soccer, Dance, Basketball, Softball, Piano, Girl(Boy)Scouts (etc.) is always on the same day with less then 5 minutes between.
* The more preparation time for the meal the less likely a child is to eat it.
* As soon as the snow suit, and all of the paraphernalia that accompanies, is on the child will have to use the bathroom.
* As soon as the child is in the car and the car has left the driveway the child will have to use the bathroom.
* The clothes/shoes you bought last week will not fit this week or will not be "cool" enough for this week.
* The amount of sound from the other room is inversely proportional to the amount of trouble the child is getting into.
* The more you paid for the car seat the more the child will hate it.
* When you are in a hurry the child will dawdle.
* The greater the importance of the phone call the bigger the mess the child will make or the louder the tantrum the child will have.
Sent by Stacy Robarge
* The availability of daycare is directly proportionate to how badly you need it.
* Your child will always wait until you are fully dressed for work before spilling their food on you.
The last two laws were sent by Acacia Anderson
* The later you let a child stay up at night, the earlier he will wake up in the morning.
Sent by Mary Streeter
* If I hid it well enough it will always be mine
Sent by Jennifer Parkins
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Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much, Dad, just a radio with a sports car around it!
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Bulldog for sale, playful, eats anything, loves children
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TEACHER:which is the most important to us,the sun or the moon?
PUPIL:"THE MOON"
TEACHER:y?
PUPIL:the moon gives us light at night when we need it BUT,..the sun gives us light only in the day time ,...when we don't need it.
--------------------------------------------------
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across
a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an
arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy
carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the
arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did
you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The
boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you
came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target
around it."
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Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence Student : WOW !
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M I S T A K E -
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident..
If a doctor makes a mistake, It's an operation..
If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a new theory...
If a student makes a mistake, It is a MISTAKE.
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Question:What is the fullform of maths. Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students
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Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ? Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
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Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it. Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it. Teacher :Why? Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
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Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?" Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time." Teacher: How old is ur father. Sunny:As old as I am. Teacher:How is it possible? Sunny:He became father only after I was born.
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Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age? STUDENT:32 yrs. Teacher:How do you know? STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she! is half mad.
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Teacher: Where does God live? Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom. Teacher: Why do you say that? Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
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Teacher:"What is your name?". Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash h! ai." Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english." Student:"My name is Sunlight."
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Filmi Jokes
Why doesn’t Rajnikanth ever sweat???
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Cos he’s got a lot of fans..
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Agar aap Basanti se kahogi nach Basanti nach to woh nahi nachegi pooccho kyon
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kyunki Basanti Kutton ke saamne nahi nachti
—————————————————————-
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4. BOND meets an Andhra guy…
James Bond : My name is BOND… (smiles & then says) James Bond…
And you?
Andhra Guy :I am…
Sai…
Venkata Sai…
Siva Venkata Sai…
Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…
Srinivasalu Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…
Rajasekhara Srinivasalu Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…
Sitaramanjaneyalu Rajasekhara Srinivasalu Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…
Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyalu Rajasekhara Srinivasalu Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…
BOND FAINTS…
—————————————————————-
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5. KANNADA MOVIES
A sample of Kannada movies produced by Kannada Software Engineers:
• CHATsod tappa..?
• Ondu E-MAILina kathe
• A.S.P Sangilyana
• REDO raja
• UNDOnu maadida DELEToo maadida
• Muttinantha OFFER
• Naanu nanna PC
• DOLLLAR alegalu
• JAVAda Jodi
• CORBAna rani
• IT Hudugara kannu US myaage
• CHAT maadu Tamaashe Nodu
• Chalisuva BRAINugalu
• MAINFRAME Dhruvadim JAVA Dhruvaku
• Gadibidi ENGINEER
• Onde SYSTEMna MODULEgalu
• Baa Nalle Usge
• PROGRAMMERara Sawaal
• COMPANY COMPANY kathe
• Shri BILL GATES Mahime
• Bhakta SABIR Das
• INSPECTOR Narayana Murty
• Koodi CODING maadidare swarga sukha
• PMna avaantara
• Veera SYBASE Lakshman
• PMge takka PROGRAMMER
• MODEM Bazaar
• JDBC bale ( A 007 movie)
• Operation E-MAIL HACKER
• NIAGARA teeradalli
• HASIRU PATRA
• NEWJERSEY
• MICROSOFTna musuku
• JAVA nanna JAVA
• PREMJI kaanike
• LOGON Death
• Lady PROGRAMMER
• E-Preethse
• Ondanondu COLLUMNnalli
• Eradu NETWORKgalu
• PB Ganda VB Hendthi
• BUGDevathe
• MS Mallige
• Messanger Muttanna
• Abachoorina INBOX
• CHATsu Tappenilla..!
• SYSTEMge Sawaal
• HACKERana Sanchu
• SILICON swapnagalu
• Nammur IT Parke
A FRIEND
A Friend….
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in “you”
(C)alls you just to say “HI”
(D)oesn’t give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust “be” with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains things you don’t understand
(Y)ells when you won’t listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
—————————————————————-
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ROBERT JOKES
Raabert : Baas, iss aadmi ne hamaare saath gaddaree kee hai..
Ajeet : Iss kuththe ki ek haath mein titan ki ghadi aur doosre haath mein
hmt ki ghadi pehnaado.
Raabert : Lekin baas, yeh to gaddaar hai.
Ajeet : Hum jaante hain, raabert. Isko bathaana hai ki ab yeh do ghadi ka
mehmaan hai.
—————————————————————-
Raabert : Baas, Sona kahan hai? (Where is the gold?)
Ajeet : Saara beach hamaara hai. Kahi bhee so jao raabert.
—————————————————————-
Raabert and Ajeet are escaping in a boat and suddenly there’s a hole in the boat and
water starts coming in. Raabert is anxious.
Raabert : Ab kya hoga baas…?
Ajeet : Ek aur hole kardo, Raabert…
Raabert : Ek aur hole..?!!
Ajeet : Ek hole pe ‘IN’ likh do aur doosre hole par ‘OUT’ likh do. Paani
IN mein aayega aur
OUT se baahar jaayega…
—————————————————————-
Ajeet : Is gaddaar ko shaampein mein dubaa do.
Raabert : Lekin kyon, baas?
Ajeet : ‘Shame se’ nahin to ‘Pain’ se mar jaayega…
—————————————————————-
Mona comes in with a proposal to get married
Mona : Baas, Humne Toni se shaadi karni hai
Ajeet : Mona yeh bilkul nahi ho sakta
Mona : Lekin baas, yeh kyon?
Ajeet : Mona, tumne agar Toni se shaadi ke to yahan bahut monatony ho
jaigi.
Mona goes ahead, gets married and has twin boys
Raabert : Baas, Mona ke judwa ladkae hua hai.
Ajeet : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye pehle ka Peter aur
doosra Repeater
Later, Mona has twin girls
Raabert : Baas, Mona ke judwa ladkiya hua hai.
Ajeet : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye - pehli ka Kate aur doosri
DupliKate
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Raabert : Baas, mein aaj kaam pe nahin aaoonga. Mujhe stomach ache
hai.
Ajeeth : Abay bavakoof ! Har kisi ko stomach ek hi hotha hai.
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Ajeeth : Raabert, is gaddhar ko is duniya se aazad kar dho. Iski
laash ko Police Estation
ke saamne phenk dho. Aur is ke side mein ek suyi bhonk dho.
Raabert : Lekin baas side mein suyi kyon ?
Ajeeth : Thake Police samjhe ki ye suyiside hai.
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Raabert : Baas meri beevi ko theen ladke payida ho gaye hai. Mein
inka naam kya rakhoon
Ajeeth : Phele ka naam Peter rakho, dusre ka naam Repeater rakho
aur theesre ka naam
Chin Chin Choo rakhko.
Raabert : Lekin baas thesre ka naam Chin Chin Choo kyon ?
Ajeeth : Are bevakoof, woh isliye ke duniya mein har theesra
bachha Chinese hotha hai.
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Mickey Mouse : Ajit, Muzhe Ramayan padhnee hai.
Ajeet : Raabert, isse wall peh chipka do
Raabert : yeh kyon baas?
Ajeet : Taaki yeh waal-mickey kehlaygaa aur usse Ramayan apne aap
samazh me
ayegee!
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Scene: Ajit murders a man.
Ajeet : Raabert, Is aadmi ko Hero Honda ki tank mein dal do.
Raabert : kyon baas?
Ajeet : Fill it,shut it,forget it!
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Boss : Raabert!
Rab : Yes, bass?
Boss : Yeh “bus” mei kuch hawa daal do.
Rab : Lekin, kyon bass?
Boss : Yeh bus “Airbus” ban jayega.
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Robert : boss, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.
Ajit : Goli maar do. Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge.
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Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona da..arrling’s typing.
Ajeet : Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Raabert : Magar kyoon baas?
Ajeet : Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.
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Ajeet : Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger
starrt kar do.
Raabert : Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajeet : Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.
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Scene: Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed.
Ajeet :Peter, time bomb le aao aur is saale ko usse bandh do.Timer ko teek das bajhe
set kar do. Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez hamesha late karta hai. Iska mauth
bhi late hona chahiye.
Timer ko panch minute late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof, silly fellow,
time bomb ko yahan peh math rakho, yeh to ‘no-smoking’ area hai. Ha haa ha. Time
bomb ‘tic tic tic tic’ karke bajega. Aur iska dil ‘tup tup tup’ karke dhatakega. Tum
agar paas me khade hoge to tumko ‘tic tup tic tup tic tup’ suanaai dega”
Ajeet : Rabert! isko eraser se maar do, yeh mar bhi jayega aur mit bhi
jayega
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Raabert : Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet : Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise jeene nahi
dega, aur
oxygen ise marne nahi dega.
—————————————————————-
Peter : Boss is saale ka kya karen ?
Ajeet : Ise microprocessor mein daal do…BIT by BIT marega !
Robert : aur boss..iska kya karen ?
Ajeet : Ise hamlet poison khilado…sochta rahega, to be or not to be
!
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Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet : “Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur
finish bhi aa jaayegi.
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Bob : Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.
Ajeet : Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padegak.!
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Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet : “Raabert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal doo Saale ko
Society jeene nahin degea aur security isse marne nahin degea.
—————————————————————-
IF Bollywood Film star work for call
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
centers…….. Imagine the call -
Amitabh: Thank you for calling customer care… rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian
filhaal ek customer care rep hain…
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amitabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske
manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske
manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha… uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum
jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga.
. Dharmendra: Thank you for calliiiiingg..
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa…….
Customer: I am unable to use your product… its waste and worthless Dharmendra: Kutte mein
tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna
Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai…
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh… seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna… haaaaaaaaa!!!
Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke
zamaane ke rep hain..haahhaaa
Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye….
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ….tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha…
Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera… pyar se log shabbo bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam
aasakti hoon.
Shakti: AAAuuuuuu…mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa…rep hooon..
Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi … thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga… ye dyevi nai ji … ye to dyeva hai…
Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai….. May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling… tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager dedenge to hamein manage kaun karega….
Gabbar : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ….Jo dargaya wo maraga… batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho … sirf… $10.00…dhikkaar hai
Prem Chopra: Prem…Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra…
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle
Rajkumar : Jaani ….. Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani… ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi Customer : shut up.. I
need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes… otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena… manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum
nahi… humse hai manager… manager se hum nahi…
And at last ………………
Sharukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Customer hung up the phone….
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If Titanic Movie was made in India….. in 2007 -
1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship
2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the
rain!
3) The movie could have been called “Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya”
4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian
would die in the first dip.
5) The iceberg could have been sent by the heroine’s father to teach the hero a lesson.
6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.
And last but not least
7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserve for SC/ST/OBC
——————————————————————————–
Meri Kahani Filmon ki Zabani!!!!!!!!!!!!
( i Said )
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KYA KEHNA, the first time I saw you, I asked myself HUM APKE HAI KAUN feeling that KUCH KUCH
HOTA HAI. So I decided to forward you a PUKAR from DIL SE. I thought that by the way HUM TO
MOHABBAT KAREGA…
So with my DIL TO PAGAL HAI, I dream to be your HERO No,1 and I’ll make you my BIWI No 1.
You might think that I am fooling you as BADAL Remember JHOOT BOLE KAWAA KATE. But, please
JANAM SAMJA KARO that PYAR KOHI KHEL NAHIN and I admit that HUM DIL DE CHUKE SANAM. I trust
AAP MERE HOO SANAM. I believe that HUM APKE DIL MEIN REHTE HAIN,for HAMESHA. Remember, JAB
PYAR KISSI SE HOTA HAI why not, AA AAB LAUT CHALEIN and you can come SAAJAN KI BAHON MEIN
saying that APP MUJHY ACHAY LAGNAY LAGE
There is SIRF TUM in my life. If you say YES BOSS then I will Become your JORU KA GULAM.
Don’t worry, be happy, DOLI SAJA KE RAKNA, because DILWALE DULHANIA LE JAYENGE. KAHO NA PYAR
HAI plsssssss. Many Many MOHABATEIN.
Yours Ever
TUM BIN..
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(She Replied)
MR.AASHIQ,
MUJHY KUCH KEHNA HAI…, HUD KAR DE APPNY, you saw me for the first time, AUR PYAR HO GHAYA,
by the way PYAR TO HONA HI THA. FILHAAL, I am waiting for KUNWARA AJNABI, with the qualities
of KHALADI, to whom I will say HUM TUMHARAY HAIN SANAM, the he will reply me HUM HOO GHAYAY
APP KY, and then we will be MR & MRS KHALADI, BUS ITNA SA KHWAB HAI…, so stop thinking
HASEENA MAAN JAYAGEE!!!!!!!
It’s very easy to say LOVE KY LIYA KUCH BHI KARAYGAA, but PYAR MAIN KABHI KABHI, HERO NO1
becomes CHORI CHORI CHUPKE CHUPKE, COOLI NO1.
KABHI KHUSHI KABHI GHAM are the part of ISHQ, when SAJAN CHALAY SUSRAAL as BAVARCHI but PYAY
KIYA TO DARNA KIYA……
There is AIK RISHTA between us because of it HUM SAATH SAATH HAIN and that is YARANNA.
HAMASHA,
KUCH KHATI KUCH MEETHI
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Munna Bhaie Jokes -
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PROFESSOR : Gandhi Jayanti ke bare mein kya jante ho?
MUNNA BHAI : Gandhi bahut zabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam, par apun ko yeh nehin maloom
ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.
——————————————————————————–
CIRCUIT : Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai. Apun aaj se kabhi
jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.
MUNNA BHAI : Aye Circuit, woh Sabrina ka baap aya hai tere ko dund rehla hai.
CIRCUIT : Bhai usko bolo apun gaoon gayea hai, kheti karne ko.
MUNNA BHAI : Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.
CIRCUIT : Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.
MAMU : Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai, aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL : Ullu to raat ko bolta hai, aaj din mein kaise bol pada?
——————————————————————————–
CIRCUIT : Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla hai aaj raat ko dinner pe. Mera sara chain
collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.
MUNNABHAI : Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?
CIRCUIT : Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.
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MAMU : Bhai, apnay ko char mahinay mein Sindhi sikhna padega. Kuch hal batao.
MUNNA BHAI : Kannada kyun, aur char mahinay ka kya chakkar hai?
MAMU : Meinay ek Sindhi baccha adopt kiya hai, aur woh char mahinay mein bolne lagay ga.
——————————————————————————–
PROFESSOR : Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI : Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.
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MUNNA BHAI : Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT : Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI : Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT : Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Baiel, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh
Baielgaadi.
——————————————————————————–
Circuit takes a flight to Singapore and he is seated next to an Englishman. Circuit open his
tiffin and serves himself a roti.
ENGLISHMAN : What is this?
CIRCUIT : Bread India Circuit then open the box of jalebi.
ENGLISHMAN : What is this?
CIRCUIT : Sweet India With all the food he hogged on, Munna farts. The Englishman is
offended and in shock asks …
ENGLISHMAN : What is that?
CIRCUIT : Air India
——————————————————————————–
CIRCUIT : Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU : Nehin.
CIRCUIT : To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega. MUNNA BHAI : Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus
maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU : Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI : Yaad nahin hai yaar. Bahut purani baat hai.
——————————————————————————–
MUNNA BHAI : Mamu, tu kitna padha hai?
MAMU : B.A.
MUNNA BHAI : Sala, two lafz padha aur woh bhi ulta?
——————————————————————————–
MAMU : Oye, maar gayea yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hain.
MAMU KA DOST : Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.
——————————————————————————–
CIRCUIT : Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT : Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.
——————————————————————————–
PRINCIPAL : Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200
Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.
MUNNA BHAI : Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu
Maths Jokes
Eqn 1 : Sridevi Acted in a movie called Chandni..
Eqn 2 : Tabu acted in a movie called Chandni bar..
Conclusion:Tabu is the vector form of Sridevi..
—————————————————————————————-
Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
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A: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.
24. Cat Theorem:
A cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
25. Salary Theorem
The less you know, the more you make.
Proof:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.
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—————————————————————————————-
Funny formulas
36. The limit as 3 goes to 4 of 3^2 is 16.
(For native LaTex speakers: $$\lim_{3 \rightarrow 4} 3^2 = 16$$)
37. 1 + 1 =3, for sufficiently large one’s.
38. The combination of the Einstein and Pythagoras discoveries:
E= m c^2= m ( a^2 + b^2)
2 and 2 is 22
39. The limit as n goes to infinity of sin (x) /n is 6.
Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.
40. As x goes to zero, the limit of 8 /x is 00 (infinity), then the limit (as x goes to zero) of Z /x is N
—————————————————————————————-
Examples of inverse problems:
41. Q: To what question is the answer “9W.”
A: “Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?”
42. Q: To what question is the answer “Dr. Livingstone, I presume.”
A: “What is your full name, Dr. Presume?”
—————————————————————————————-
43. Q: What does the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!
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44. “Divide fourteen sugar cubes into three cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes in it.” “That’s easy: one, one, and twelve.” “But twelve isn’t odd!” “Twelve is an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee…”
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45. There are three kinds of people in the world; those who can count and those who can’t.
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46. There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary math, and those who don’t.
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47. “Do you love your math more than me?”
“Of course not, dear - I love you much more.”
“Then prove it!”
“OK… Let R be the set of all lovable objects…”
—————————————————————————————-
48. A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.
- They have multiplied, said the biologist.
- Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed.
- If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.
—————————————————————————————-
49. Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it’s old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces “3.99″.
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces “it lies between 3.98 and 4.02″.
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: “I don’t know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!”.
Philosopher smiles: “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?”
Logician replies: “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.”
The sociologist: “I don’t know, but is was nice talking about it”.
Behavioral Ecologist: “A polygamous mating system”.
Medical Student : “4″
All others looking astonished : “How did you know ??”
Medical Student : “I memorized it.”
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50. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha,” says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm,” says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black.”
“No,” says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black
——————————————————————————–
51. A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: “Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!”
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52. One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed “We can assume the length is infinite…” and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said “I declare myself to be on the outside.”
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53. The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: “Helllloooooo! Where are we?”
15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: “Helllloooooo! You’re in a hot-air balloon!!”
The physicist says, “That must have been a mathematician.”
The engineer asks, “Why do you say that?”
The physicist replied: “The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless.”
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54. How they prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime?
Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,…
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,…
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,…
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 — we’ll do for you the best we can,…
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,…
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 — results have not arrived yet,…
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,…
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 — there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,…
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let’s try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime…
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,…
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,…
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93. Math and Alcohol don’t mix, so… PLEASE DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE
Motto of the society: Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving
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94. Q: What is the area of a circle?
A: pi R^2?
R: Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
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95. Q: What’s a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
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96. Noah’s Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, “Go forth and multiply.” Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. “What’s the problem?” asks Noah. “Cut down some trees and let us live there,” say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes; everybody is happy. Noah says, “So tell me how the trees helped.” “Certainly,” reply the snakes. “We’re adders, and we need logs to multiply.”
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97. Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.
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98. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
A: | elephant | * | banana | * sin(theta)
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99. Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber.
A: You can’t cross a vector with a scalar.
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100. Professional secrets.
The highest moments in the life of a mathematician are the first few moments after one has proved the result, but before one finds the mistake.
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101. Golden rule of deriving: never trust any result that was proved after 11 PM.
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102. The professional quality of a mathematician is inversely proportional to the importance it attaches to space and equipment.
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103. Relations between pure and applied mathematicians are based on trust and understanding. Namely, pure mathematicians do not trust applied mathematicians, and applied mathematicians do not understand pure mathematicians.
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104. Some mathematicians become so tense these days that they that they do not go to sleep during seminars.
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105. Top ten excuses for not doing homework:
I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
Isaac Newton’s birthday.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn’t figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.
I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn’t find it.
Warning! It is against the rule to use these excuses in my classes!
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106. A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart.
The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?’
The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?’
The physics-students ask: `Why?’
The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?’
The chemistry-students ask: `Till next Monday?’
The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?’
The laws-students answer: `We already have.’
The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?’
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107. Dean, to the physics department. “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn’t you be like the math. department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”
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108. A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: “1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”
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109. A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: “The Theory of Gears.” So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, “The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known …”
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110. When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. “Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer…”
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111. Q: What will a logician choose: a half of an egg or eternal bliss in the afterlife? A: A half of an egg! Because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and a half of an egg is better than nothing.
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112. Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
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113. “God geometrizes” says Plato.
and here is the analytical continuation of this saying:
Biologists think they are biochemists,
Biochemists think they are Physical Chemists,
Physical Chemists think they are Physicists,
Physicists think they are Gods,
And God thinks he is a Mathematician.
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114. Physicists defer only to mathematicians, mathematicians defer only to God.
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———————————————————
Equation:1
Study=Don’t Fail
Equation:2
Don’t Study=Fail
Adding Eq1 and Eq2,
Study+Don’t Study=Fail+Don’t Fail
=>Study(1+Don’t)=Fail(1+Don’t)
=>Study=Fail Ans.
Then why wasting time in study???
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5. Theorems
Here, the powerful mathematical methods are successively applied to the “real life problems”.
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Interesting Theorem:
All positive integers are interesting.
Proof:
Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that’s pretty interesting! A contradiction.
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Boring Theorem:
All positive integers are boring.
Proof:
Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-boring positive integer. Who cares!
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Notes on the horse colors problem
Lemma 1. All horses are the same color. (Proof by induction)
Proof. It is obvious that one horse is the same color. Let us assume the proposition P(k) that k horses are the same color and use this to imply that k+1 horses are the same color. Given the set of k+1 horses, we remove one horse; then the remaining k horses are the same color, by hypothesis. We remove another horse and replace the first; the k horses, by hypothesis, are again the same color. We repeat this until by exhaustion the k+1 sets of k horses have been shown to be the same color. It follows that since every horse is the same color as every other horse, P(k) entails P(k+1). But since we have shown P(1) to be true, P is true for all succeeding values of k, that is, all horses are the same color.
Theorem 1. Every horse has an infinite number of legs. (Proof by intimidation.)
Proof. Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show that this is general, suppose that somewhere there is a horse with a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the lemma that does not exist.
Corollary 1. Everything is the same color.
Proof. The proof of lemma 1 does not depend at all on the nature of the object under consideration. The predicate of the antecedent of the universally-quantified conditional ‘For all x, if x is a horse, then x is the same color,’ namely ‘is a horse’ may be generalized to ‘is anything’ without affecting the validity of the proof; hence, ‘for all x, if x is anything, x is the same color.’
Corollary 2. Everything is white.
Proof. If a sentential formula in x is logically true, then any particular substitution instance of it is a true sentence. In particular then: ‘for all x, if x is an elephant, then x is the same color’ is true. Now it is manifestly axiomatic that white elephants exist (for proof by blatant assertion consult Mark Twain ‘The Stolen White Elephant’). Therefore all elephants are white. By corollary 1 everything is white.
Theorem 2. Alexander the Great did not exist and he had an infinite number of limbs.
Proof. We prove this theorem in two parts. First we note the obvious fact that historians always tell the truth (for historians always take a stand, and therefore they cannot lie). Hence we have the historically true sentence, ‘If Alexander the Great existed, then he rode a black horse Bucephalus.’ But we know by corollary 2 everything is white; hence Alexander could not have ridden a black horse. Since the consequent of the conditional is false, in order for the whole statement to be true the antecedent must be false. Hence Alexander the Great did not exist.
We have also the historically true statement that Alexander was warned by an oracle that he would meet death if he crossed a certain river. He had two legs; and ‘forewarned is four-armed.’ This gives him six limbs, an even number, which is certainly an odd number of limbs for a man. Now the only number which is even and odd is infinity; hence Alexander had an infinite number of limbs. We have thus proved that Alexander the Great did not exist and that he had an infinite number of limbs.
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The mathematical theory of big game hunting (Aug-Sept. AMM, 446-447, 1938):
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According to statistics, there are 42 million alligator eggs laid every year. Of those, only about half get hatched. Of those that hatch, three fourths of them get eaten by predators in the first 36 days. And of the rest, only 5 percent get to be a year old for one reason or another. Isn’t statistics wonderful? If it weren’t for statistics, we’d be eaten by alligators!
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How to prove it. Guide for lecturers.
Proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
Proof by forward reference:
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first.
Proof by funding:
How could three different government agencies be wrong?
Proof by example:
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof.
Proof by omission:
“The reader may easily supply the details” or “The other 253 cases are analogous”
Proof by deferral:
“We’ll prove this later in the course”.
Proof by picture:
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission.
Proof by intimidation:
“Trivial.”
Proof by adverb:
“As is quite clear, the elementary aforementioned statement is obviously valid.”
Proof by seduction:
“Convince yourself that this is true! “
Proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.
Proof by exhaustion:
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.
Proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.
Proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.
Proof by eminent authority:
“I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP- complete.”
Proof by personal communication:
“Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication].”
Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
“To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.”
Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.
Proof by importance:
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question.
Proof by accumulated evidence:
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
Proof by cosmology:
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.
Proof by mutual reference:
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.
Proof by metaproof:
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques.
Proof by vehement assertion:
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.
Proof by ghost reference:
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given.
Proof by semantic shift:
Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result.
Proof by appeal to intuition:
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
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Dictionary of Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Math. lectures.
The following is a guide to terms which are commonly used but rarely defined. In the search for proper definitions for these terms we found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source. Thus, we followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time immortal: “Wing It.”
CLEARLY:
I don’t want to write down all the “in- between” steps.
TRIVIAL:
If I have to show you how to do this, you’re in the wrong class.
OBVIOUSLY:
I hope you weren’t sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.
RECALL:
I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test…
WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality):
I’m not about to do all the possible cases, so I’ll do one and let you figure out the rest.
IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN:
Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand.
CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF:
This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
SKETCH OF A PROOF:
I couldn’t verify all the details, so I’ll break it down into the parts I couldn’t prove.
HINT:
The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE):
Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, “and a partridge in a pair tree.”
SOFT PROOF:
One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.
ELEGANT PROOF:
Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
SIMILARLY:
At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
CANONICAL FORM:
4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish.
TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent):
If I say this it means that, and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing…
BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM:
I don’t remember how it goes (come to think of it I’m not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the rest of this follows.
TWO LINE PROOF:
I’ll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can’t question ‘em if you can’t see ‘em.
BRIEFLY:
I’m running out of time, so I’ll just write and talk faster.
LET’S TALK THROUGH IT:
I don’t want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake.
PROCEED FORMALLY:
Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses).
QUANTIFY:
I can’t find anything wrong with your proof except that it won’t work if x is a moon of Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses).
PROOF OMITTED:
Trust me, It’s true.
Traditional - contemporary math dictionary.
WHAT’S OUT AND WHAT’S IN FOR MATHEMATICAL TERMS
Today it is considered an egregious faux pas to speak or write in the
crude antedated terms of our grandfathers. To assist the isolated
student and the less sophisticated teacher, I have prepared the
following list of currently fashionable mathematical terms in
academia. I pass this list on to the general public as a matter of
charity and in the hope that it will lead to more refined elucidation
from young scholars.
thinking: hypothesizing.
proof by contradiction or indirect proof: reductio ad absurdum.
mistake: non sequitur.
starting place: handle.
with corresponding changes: mutatis mutandis.
counterexample: pathological exception.
consequently: ipso facto.
swallowing results: digesting proofs.
therefore: ergo.
has an easy-to-understand, but hard-to-find solution: obvious.
has two easy-to-understand, but hard-to-find solutions: trivial.
truth: tautology.
empty: vacuous.
drill problems: plug-and-chug work.
criteria: rubric.
example: substantive
instantiation.
similar structure: homomorphic.
very similar structure: isomorphic.
same area: isometric.
arithmetic: number theory.
count: enumerate.
one: unity.
generally/specifically: globally/locally.
constant: invariant.
bonus result: corollary.
distance: metric measure.
several: a plurality.
function/argument: operator/operand.
separation/joining: bifurcation/confluence.
fourth power or quartic: biquadratic.
random: stochastic.
unique condition: a singularity.
uniqueness: unicity.
tends to zero: vanishes.
tip-top point: apex.
half-closed: half-open.
concave: non-convex.
rectangular prisms: parallelepipeds.
perpendicular (adj.): orthogonal.
perpendicular (n.): normal.
Euclid: Descartes.
Fermat: Wiles.
path: trajectory.
shift: rectilinear translation.
similar: homologous.
very similar: congruent.
whopper-jawed: skew or oblique.
change direction: perturb.
join: concatenate.
approximate to two or more places: accurate.
high school geometry or plane geometry: geometry of the Euclidean plane under the Pythagorean metric.
clever scheme: algorithm.
initialize to zero: zeroize.
* : splat.
{ : squiggle.
decimal: denary.
alphabetical order: lexical order.
a divide-and-conquer method: an algorithm of logarithmic order.
student ID numbers: witty passwords.
numerology and number sophistry: descriptive statistics
——————————————————————————–
——————————————————————————–
A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture.
E: “How do you understand this stuff?”
M: “I just visualize the process”
E: “How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?”
M: “Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9″
———————————-------------------------------------------------------------Sardarji Jokes
Sardar comes back to his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it to pole "Thanks 4 the complement"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
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Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so?
He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
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Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy?
Saradji: They were 4 best friends..!
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Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya,
Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
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How can a Sardar Kill a Lion?
Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.
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Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying....
When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!!
Higher Studies Yaar...!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar with a new mobile called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My
Mobile No. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, " I
LOVE U SISTER."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is Common between: Krishna, Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..?
Sardarji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa: That Cow is a Lovely Colour,
Farmer: Yes, it's a Jersey
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its Skin...!!!
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Sardar Son: O God! Please make New York the capital of Punjab.
Sardar: Why are you praying for that?
Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?" The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once a sardar was going on a highway in his car with a lot of cash. A gang of highway bandits stopped him. Seeing that he was a sardar, they decided to try and loot him without wasting any ammunition. They challenged him to a game. They made a circle on the ground and said to him, "If you can remain in this circle for half an hour, we will only take your valuables but if you come outside it, we will kill you." The sardar agrees and the thieves leisurely loot the car. At the end of half an hour, they say to the sardar, "Congrats, you won." To their disbelief, he starts laughing. They ask him the reason and he says, "I stepped outside the circle five times and no one noticed!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sardar to Sunita: "I want to marry you"
Sunita: "But I am one year elder to you."
sardar: "No Problem, then I will marry you next year."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
77. Veer sardar Banta is big hunter. Once he went to a zoo. At that
time, a big tiger escaped from its cage. The zoo officials sent everyone
out of the zoo and closed the main gate. Now the tiger is inside the
zoo, but wandering freely. Zoo people requested the sardar to go
inside and trap the tiger in a cage. Scared, but to avoid insult, he went into the zoo in his jeep carrying a big gun.
While driving on one of the zoo's roads, he noticed that the tiger is
chasing him. Feeling scared, he drove the jeep fast but only to observe
that the tiger is very near to the jeep. At that time, the road
separated into two paths ahead, one to the left and other to the right.
Then cleverly Banta put the left indicator on and turned the jeep to the
road on right. The tiger runs into the left path.
With a sigh of relief, he drove forward. After some time, the roads meet and the same situation arises again.
Once more the road divides into two and this time our sardar is smart
enough to put the right indicator on and turned to left. This time the
tiger goes into the road on right side. After sometime the roads meet
again and to our sardar's misfortune, the tiger starts to chase him again. This time the road never divides and our sardar thought the tiger would catch him. Then a brilliant idea struck his mind. He slows down his jeep taking it to the left side of the road.
Then he holds his hand outside and a gives pass signal which is given
for vehicles which want to overtake. The tiger this time overtakes his
jeep and runs forward.
NOW TELL ME WHAT IS THE MORAL OF THE STORY??
ANSWER IS BELOW............
-
"There are sardar Communities in Tigers too".
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78. a sardar gets employed in a multi national company..... he gets to work with a greek, and a jew.... these guys noticed everyday that their boss left the office very early in the evening. the jew came up with the idea that these guys too will leave as soon as the boss left office. and the next day they did as they planned . the jew left for home and said his prayers,spent time hangin out with his family. the greek took his girlfriend out on a date. the sardar..... went home ,went to the bedroom,as he opened the door he saw his boss in there with his wife
the next day at the office
jew: hey guys we'll leave home early today too
sardar: no, idiot i almost got caught yesterday
---------------------------------------------------------------------
79. Banta Singhh was sitting at the top of a 100 floor bulding and suddenly someone comes up to him and says .... "Hey Santa Singh your daughter died just now in a road accident". Our sardar gets seriously depressed and prepares to jump off the building. He Jumps..........
50 floors down ....... He realises he has no daughters
70 floors down ....... He realises he is not even married
At the moment of impact .......... He realises that his name is BANTA not SANTA!
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80. A sardar is relaxing by the Goan seaside........
Suddenly a man near him asks "Are you relaxing?"
He replies "No,Im Banta Singh"
The guy near him becomes perplexed and spreads our sardar's reply to everyone he sees.
Now everyone start asking him the same question
Our sardar gets really pissed and thinks that there is a guy called "relaxing" on this beach who is urgently wanted by the beach folk
So he goes and asks some guy "Are you relaxing",the guy says yes
Our sardar gives him a really tight SLAP!!
"YOU MORON,RASCAL EVERYONE'S BUGGING ME THINKING I AM YOU ; THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU NOW GO!!"
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81. Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidently,the photograph fell down from his pocket. When Santa tried to pick it up the photograph slipped under a woman's saree. He asked her "Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph" The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.
He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a worse condition. Banta explained what happened to him He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have "grown up" Daughters?". The Owner asked,"WHY?????????" Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night....." The rest is history.
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82. in an major disaster about 200 sardar were run over by express train but lucky one sardar survived the tragedy.police appreciated his inteligence and started questioning him.
policedid u see the tragedy
sardar: yes
police: what happened
sardar: paniced by the public announcement " **** train will arraive on platform no 3 " 200 sardars jumped into the track
policebut how come u survived r u so intelligent
sardar: I came here to commit suicide after hearing the announcement i entered the platform
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82. A sardar used to go to college with his dog. After some years, the sardar started going alone.
The dog graduated.
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83. Once a sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
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84. one day a sardar boy comes home from school and asks:;
"Dad.. today in English class .. Every body could spell out from A till j!! I spelled till S.....Is it becauz I am a sardar??"
Papa replies:: "No beta....Its becauz u r intelligent "
the son continues...."Daddy in Math class every body could write upto 20 I was able to write till 50.....Is it becauz I am a sardar??"
Papa says::"No beta.... Its becauz u r intelligent!!"
Son now enthu.....asks.."Dada... in class they measured height... every body was less than 100cm but I was 180cm ?? Is it beacuz I am a sardar??
papa replies...."NO BETA ITS BECAUZ U R 31 YEARS OLD"
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85. during a lecture on population explosion speaker says "in india a women gives birth to a child every 50 sec". A sardar gets up and says"we should find the women and stop her".
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Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest trying to win prize
money of Rs.1 crore.
The questions are as follows:
1) How long was the 100 yr war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150
Sardar says "I will skip this"
2) In which country are the Panama hats
made?
A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR
Sardar asks for help from the University
students
3) In which month do the Russians
celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER
Sardar asks for help from general public
4) Which of these was King George VI
first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL
Sardar asks for lucky cards
5)The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean,
has its name based onwhich animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT
Sardar gives up.
if u think you are indeed clever and laughed at
our Sardar's replies,
Then please check the answers below:
1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from
1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in
November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936
he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA
which means
islands of the puppies.
Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever
laugh at a Sardar again
On behalf of,
Sardar Manmohan Singh,
PM, India
----------------------------------------------------
117. During a clash between India and neighbournig country a Thambi,a Mallu and another man were caught as Pow to our enemy.......now it is the time of execution now ....the 1st Pow is to be executed .....the guns are also pointed at this time the Pow shouted FLOOD all turned back and he escaped.......now the time for 2nd to b executed ....the same situation....now he shouted MUSHARRAF all turned saluting and our pow escaped .....now time 4 3rd Pow....the same situation .....he shouted FIRE....but now the bullet case is empty before time.....you might have guessed who is the last Pow........He is our sardar...
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Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT university and SANTA SINGH from
Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job. One common
question was asked to all 4 of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes instantly in
your mind.
MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst
stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was
over!!!!
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A Punjabi SARDAR and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State's patriotic history during the freedom struggle.
The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters. They finally
agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter
from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head. Both of them began earnestly. "Bhagat Singh" said the SARDAR and
pulled one hair from the Bengali. "Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same. They continued like this for some time, but
soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used SARDAR's ignorance and reeled off
a lot of imaginary names. The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name. He thought
deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali's head and pulled all his hair out shouting - "JallianWala Bagh".
-------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar declares:
. . . I will never marry in my life&. . .
. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . .
. .
============ ========= ========= ========= ==
SARDAR talking on cell.
2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.
1ST: biwi se.....
2ND: itne... pyar se....?
1ST: tumhari hai. . .
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
A donkey kicked sardar & ran away
sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra &
started beating it &
said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.
1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.
2.Weakness:Banta' s wife,Preeto.
3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.
4.Threat:When I am on tour
============ ========= ========= ========
sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke
bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is
earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.
============ ========= ========= =====
On Jeeto's bday
Sardar had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100
kisses.
When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque
cashed from bank
manager.
============ ========= ========= ========
teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4
times
sardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes
lara lara
============ ========= ========= ======
Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya
or karta hi gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana
dan....
============ ========= ========= ========= ===
Santa went to mysore palace.
Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu
sultan's chair
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he
comes.!!..
sandeep bhanushali
----------------------------------------------------------
SARDARJI JOKES
You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:
• puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.
• gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
• sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
• tries to drown a fish in water.
• thinks socialism means partying.
• trips over a cordless phone.
• takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
• At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts
"Sagittarius.".
• studies for a blood test and fails.
• sells the car for gas money.
• misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
• drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and
goes home.
• gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
* * * *
Q: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Sardar: "No, who wrote it?"
* * * * *
Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
* * * * *
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
* * * * * *
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
* * * * * *
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
* * * * * *
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
* * * * * *
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
* * * * * *
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
* * * * * *
What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
* * * * * *
How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone
* * * * * *
How do you get Sardar on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
* * * * * *
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
* * * * * *
What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
* * * * * *
Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
TO LOOSE WEIGHT...
---------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would
loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had
lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm
2400 kms from home."
----------------------------------------------------------------
HEAVEN
A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told
him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order
to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the
answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in
a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word
----------------------------------------------------------------.
ANOTHER COUNT!
Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a
manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you
jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says,
"Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under
there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of
him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole,
and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling
"87, 87, 87"...
----------------------------------------------------------------
EMPLOYMENT?
Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the
columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary
Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he
wrote : Yes
----------------------------------------------------------------
AT INDO-PAK WAR
Once in the Indo Pakistan war, Pakistan was fighting fiercely and capturing
everything in sight. A sikh camp called Gurudwara hideout was crucial to defend from
the pakistanis as it contained all the defence secrets. The pakistani forces
surrounded the base and the sikhs had thought that they had lost the battle but,
suddenly out of the bushes jumps Captain. Hari Singh wearing a Maachar
dani!(mosquito net) He Pulls out his AK-47 rifle and fires like mad. The pakistanis run
off quickly. The next day Hari Singh gets a medal. His friends ask him "Yaar thu
maachar daani kyon pehenke gaya tha?" Hari Singh replies "Maachar daani itni patli
hote hain ki agar maachar nahin ghus sakte, goli kahan se ghussenghi?
In the following war Hari Singh retires and his son Gani Singh No Assumptions
Please!) joins the army. Pakistanis are again surrounding the Gurudwara hideout, the
sikhs again think they've lost the war but out of the bushes erupts Gani Singh
wearning nothing he tries do shoo away the pakistanis like his father did but instead
gets shot. In the hospital his friends tell him "aare yaar, therre bap me tho itni akal
thi ki vo maachar daani pehin ke gaya tha, aur tu nunga chale gaya". Gani Singh replies
"aare yaar main tho odomos lage ke gaya tha"!
----------------------------------------------------------------
HEIGHTS OF REVENGE
Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to
spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries
to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn.".
He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent.
Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not
for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing
a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the
mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says
"Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."
----------------------------------------------------------------
DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a
double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But
unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa
went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching
the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh! What
the heck's going' on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?"
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "
************
CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR
Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the
middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the
plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some
time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the
sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old
lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the
sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air
hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally
the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the
sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished,
the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji. Capt.
replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All
others will go to Jalandhar."
----------------------------------------------------------------
KHALISTAN JOKES
Khalistan National Drink : Sarbat Khalsa.
Khalistan National Bird : Tandoori Chicken.
International Airline : Kitthe Pacific.
National Airline : Itthe Pacific.
National Anthem : Sten-a gun-a man-a ..........
National Taxi Service : Kar Seva.
National song : Bande marte hum.
Female terrorist : Hard Kaur.
National dish : AKALI-DAAL.
Sikh scuba diver : JULL-UNDER SINGH.
Better adapted sikh diver : JULLUNDER SINGH GILL.
----------------------------------------------------------------
COLOR TV
Sardarji is buying a TV.
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
********************
CROCODILE BOOTS
Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.
He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him
hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks
its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
LONG FLIGHT
Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," comes an answer.
"Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up!
----------------------------------------------------------------
TRAIN TO LUDHIANA
Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk:
"Can I take this train to Ludhiana?". "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks
Gani Singh.
----------------------------------------------------------------
THE 4 SARDARJIS
There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.They had a lot of
discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They
selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel.
The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and
waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed
but noboby turned up.
WHY ? -
Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed."
After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought
the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage.
The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their
garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY ?
B'cos their garage was on the first floor.
****************************************
After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought
a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew
past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet
nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there
nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but
alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY ?
B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.
All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their
taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi.
They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even
an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the
story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but
the taxi wouldnt budge.
WHY ?
B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
----------------------------------------------------------------
SANTA SING AND STUDENTS
Sardar Santa Singhji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned
for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the
inspector decided to visit the english class. This is what transpires :
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE
MAI"
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE
MAI"
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE
MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE
MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH"
By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him
"What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an
english class and what he is saying is GADHA ,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE
PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH. The principle too is shocked , Santa
Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for Santa Singh.
Principal : " Santa singhji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA ,
GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA
DESH".
Santa Singh : "Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students
the spellings of assassination.:- Ass-Ass-I-Nation
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Santa Singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand everything except for the LOGIC part.
One day when he was reading, one of his non-sardar friends came home.
Friend: Santa singhji How is your MBA preparation?
Santa Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Friend: Logic is very easy.
Santa Singh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: so, logically, you are married.
Santa: YES.
Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.
Santa singh was very glad and he understood logic.
Next day he sees
Banta singh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Santa: How is your MBA preparation?
Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Santa: Oh, logic is easy.
Banta: Pleaseeee, give me an example.
Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Banta: NO, I don't.
Santa: saala!!! HOMO!!!
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