Some marriage Jokes

A girl called me the other day and said come there is no one at home.I went over there was no body not even the girl.........
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One lady delivered twins , surprisingly one is boy and one is dog...
How is it possible?...
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Because, Her husband is "HUTCH DEALER".....
Wherever u go our network follows u...
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A man noticed his very conservative co-worker wearing an ear-ring.

He asked him, "Since when have you been wearing that?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
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A chinese pair, Mr. and Mrs. hua got twins without getting married.
Guess, what did they named them?
Ans: Jo hua, So hua.
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God thought he cannot b everywhere so he made mother.devil thoughtt he cannot b everywhere so he made mother-in-law
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Boy:I think you wud look better if you were 1 kg lesser

Girl:sure thing honey

Boy:In my opinion ur clothes weigh 1 kg
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Ways of proposing for valentines day:
"I feel like cursing u,for all sleepless nights u hav given me ...
u'll have a son ,who will go mad after my daughter,jus like the way i am mad after u .........But then ......... y trouble those innocent ones ... Come lets make them brothers n sisters!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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DIARY
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for
Bob. Today I made an
angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have
enough bowls to do that,
so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without
dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper
that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice."So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming
the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the
rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over
the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over
there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all
right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a
bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been
something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the
same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never
noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought
the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in
the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.
Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to
come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
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General Humor -
BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!-
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

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Type Of Boys -
HARD-DISK Boys: He remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Boys: He forgets about you, the moment you turn him off.
WINDOWS Boys: Everyone knows that he can't do a thing right, but no one can live without him.
SCREENSAVER Boys: He is good for nothing but at least he is fun!
INTERNET Boys: Difficult to access.
SERVER Boys: Always busy when you need him.
MULTIMEDIA Boys: He makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Boys: He is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Boys: Every ten things he says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Boys: Also known as "Husband"; when you are not expecting him, he comes, installs himself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall him you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall him you will lose everything.......

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A Woman selected a short Man to marry... Why? Because someone told her that the trouble should be as less as possible.
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Q: Why do boys goes to temples?
Becoz temple is the only place where u can find..
Pooja, Bhawna, Shraddha, Aarti, Archana, Aradhana, Shanti, Jyoti ... AND Finally..... TRIPTI.....
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Shaadi ki Dastaan -
Abhi shaadi ka pehla hi saal tha, khushi ke maare mera bura haal tha,
khushiyaan kuch yoon umad rahin thi, ki sambhale nahi sambhal rahi thi,
subah subah madam ka chai le kar aana thoda sharmate hue hume need se jagana,
wo pyaar bhara hath humare ballon main phirana, muskurate hue kehna ki darling chai to pi lo,
jaldi se ready ho jao, aap ko office bhi hai jana.
gharwali bhagwan ka roop le kar aayi thi, dil or dimag par poori tarah chai thi,
saans bhi lete thy to naam usi ka hota tha, ik pal bhi door jeena dushwar hota tha.
*5 saal baad........*
subah subah madam ka chai le kar aana, table par rakh kar jor se chilana,
aaj office jao to munna ko school chodte hue jana..............
ek baar phir wohi awaaj ayi, kya baat hai abhi tak chhodi nahi charpai,
agar munna late ho gaya to dekh lena, munna ki teachers ko phir khud hi sambhaal lena.
na jane gharwali kaisa roop le kar aayi thi, dil aur dimaag par kali ghata chai thi,
sans bhi lete hai to uni ka khayal hota hai, har samay jehan main ek hi sawal hota hai,
kya kabhi wo din lot ke ayenge, hum ek bar phir kuwaaren ban payenge.
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All about MEN -
Why do men like smart women?
..Opposites attract.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
..Because after 20 seconds they forget what happened!
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
..To stop the snoring before it starts!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
..We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
..Make him wear shoes!
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
.."My wife says..."
Why do women live longer than men?
..Someone has to stick around and clean up after them!
Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?
..He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman you can rearrange his face.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot easier for men than for women?
..Because when it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
..Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.
What did God say after creating man?
..Hmm, I can do better!
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Girl: Bhagwaan................. Mujhe dard de,
Dukh de, Tension de,
Mujhe barbaad kar de,
Mere peeche bhoot laga de...
Bhagwaan: Aare yaar ... ek line mein bol ke Husband chahiye....... :)
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Creation -
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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Oh God, why made me Guy!
It's Tough Being a Guy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore
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Mathematic Love Letter -
16, Quadratic Equation,
Circle Road,
Binomial Junction
Dear Differentiation,
Without you, there is no existence of my functions as they are the basis of our life. Our love is always a Straight Line. There are no limits of our love and it is continuous at every point of life. Our love is so strong that no one can differentiate you and no one can integrate me. Our love is free from Complex Numbers & it is now in a state of Progression and Series. The Probability of getting apart from each other is Nil between us. Our love story is totally based on Intermediate Value Theorem which nobody in this world like FIITJEE, Brilliant, Apex, Bansal or Arihant can explain. OK Darling, Bye.
Yours mathematically,
Integration
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Difference Between Men and Women -
1. A man will pay 2 Rs. for a 1 Rs. item he wants. A woman will pay 1 Rs. for a 2 Rs. item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
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Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya, Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Ha
Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai, Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye, Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge,Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi, Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi
Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap, Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap
Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic, Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage
Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun? , Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Reason
Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen, Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?
Shaadi ke pehle - Chal chayya chayya , Shaadi ke baad - Aa aab laut chale
Shaadi ke pehle- Hum aapke dil main rehte hain, Shaadi ke baad - Hum apke ghar main rehte hain
Shaadi ke pehle - Arzoo, Shaadi ke baad - Asoo
Shaadi ke pehle - Aoldier, Shaadi ke baad - Major sahib
Shaadi ke pehle - Pyaar hona hi tha, Shaadi ke baad - Meri saath esa kyu hua
Shaadi ke pehle - Jeevan saathi, Shaadi ke baad - Bachcho ke baad, bangaye hathi
Shaadi ke pehle - Deewana, Shaadi ke baad - Anjaam
Shaadi ke pehle - Laila majnoo, Shaadi ke baad - Dono majnoon
Shaadi ke pehle - Taj mahal, Shaadi ke baad - Sadak
Shaadi ke pehle - Tammana, Shaadi ke baad - Tamasha
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Love Life and Indian Advertisement Lines -
Want to propose a girl- Just do it - Nike
Before going to propose to a girl- Believe in the best - BPL.
If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl- Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo - Vicks.
If you are going to propose to a girl - Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.
If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her- Take it easy - Limca.
Girl says NO !- Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.
Those who succeed in love always say- We dream because we do - Daewoo.
If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend- Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.
If you love someone- Go get it - Visa power.
Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl- Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.
Not satisfied with your date- Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.
A guy having a number of girl friends- The Complete Man - Raymonds.
A smart girl having a number of boyfriends- Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.
For those lost in love- Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.
For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one- Dhoondte rehe jayo ge - Surf Exel
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DEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE -
[1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history;
[2] a word that should be pronounced as "mirage";
[3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;
[4] a very good way to promote civilization - if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates};
[5] a process much like a cafeteria - you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best - and pay later;
[6] an event which is called "tying the knot" - unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;
[7] a word which always means commitment - but so does insanity;
[8] a ceremony favored in England - it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;
[9] something that changes the demeanor of a driver - there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;
[10] the only permanent cure for love;
[11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile;
[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;
[13] something which is called a feast - unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course;
[14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;
[15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;
[16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction;
[17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;
[18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;
[19] a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part;
[20] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;
[21] in America, is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech;
[22] is made out of two toothbrushes but a single tube of toothpaste;
[23] is just a three-ring circus: engagement, wedding, and suffer;
[24] the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred;
[25] a condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting;
[26] **the ceremony which provides a man with something that, sooner or later, he will find he can't blame on the government;
[27] a tradition which would suffer considerably if men had to pay the minister the same fee they will eventually have to pay the divorce lawyer;
[28] is much like a pair of shears, so joined so the parts cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who tries to come between them;
[29] the continuous process of getting used to things you never expected;
[30] a status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure;
[31] is a book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the pages is prose;
[32] a bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain;
[33] in Japanese is called "Judo" - the art of conquering by yielding. This is the western equivalent of "Yes, dear";
[34] a confrontation which always demands the greatest understanding of the subtle art of insincerity possible between two human beings;
[35] is not a word, but a sentence;
[36] a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;
[37] an investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest.
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Batao kya chahiye!!!!
'MAUSAM' kaisa bhi ho, 'SAWAN KI GHATA' chhayee ho ya 'BARSAAT' ki jhari, 'KALI RAAT' kyun na ho, agar ho 'TUM', 'SIRF TUM', rahenge akele 'HUM AUR TUM' phir chaho mujhse 'PYAR', 'MOHABBAT', 'CHAHAT' ya 'JUNOON' Aaj tum 'DIL' maango, De Denge...! 'DHADKAN' maango De Denge...!! 'JIGAR' Maango...!!! De Denge...!!! ' JAAN' tak Maango....To wo bhi de Sakte hai.....!!!! Kyunki Ab isme kyunki kahan se aa gaya Aaj sabhi films ki CD available hai, Bas kehne bhar ki der hai!!!
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Boyfriend-Sorry mein tumse shadi nahi kar sakta gharwale mana kar rahe hai. Girlfriend-Ghar me kaun kaun hai? Boyfriend-1 biwi aur 2 bachhe!
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Need one gal 2 marry... Age no bar, Color no bar, height no bar, caste no bar, but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS jis tarah heere ko heera katta hai... sone ko sona katta hai.... lohe ko loha katta hai.... theek usi tarah dekh lena ek din tumhe kutta katega....
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The wife stands in front of a mirror."you know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror & I see an old woman, face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms" She turns to her husb & says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He says in a soft voice,"your eye sight is perfect"
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Sita: Truck ka horn sunkar tum kaampne kyu lagte ho? Titu: Ek truck driver meri biwi ko bhagaa le gaya tha, lagta hai jaise usko vapas laya ho.
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The Silent Treatment -
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a pieceof paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
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A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?" He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii." The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?" He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."
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Life isn't fair to men. When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
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The average man's life consists of - twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
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Exams -
Exams are like BOY FRIENDS;
1.Too Many Questions.
2.Difficult to Understand.
3.More Explanation is Needed.
4.Result is always FAIL!
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Three Feelings -
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

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The Equation -
7 Glance = 1 Smile, 7 Smile = 1 Meeting, 7 Meeting = 1 Kiss, 7 Kisses = 1 Proposal, 7 Proposal = 1 Marriage , And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems. So beware of glance!
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Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
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