Filmi Jokes

Why doesn’t Rajnikanth ever sweat???
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Cos he’s got a lot of fans..

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Agar aap Basanti se kahogi nach Basanti nach to woh nahi nachegi pooccho kyon
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kyunki Basanti Kutton ke saamne nahi nachti

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4. BOND meets an Andhra guy…

James Bond : My name is BOND… (smiles & then says) James Bond…
And you?

Andhra Guy :I am…
Sai…
Venkata Sai…
Siva Venkata Sai…
Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…
Srinivasalu Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…
Rajasekhara Srinivasalu Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…
Sitaramanjaneyalu Rajasekhara Srinivasalu Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…
Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyalu Rajasekhara Srinivasalu Lakshminarayana Siva Venkata Sai…

BOND FAINTS…

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5. KANNADA MOVIES
A sample of Kannada movies produced by Kannada Software Engineers:
• CHATsod tappa..?
• Ondu E-MAILina kathe
• A.S.P Sangilyana
• REDO raja
• UNDOnu maadida DELEToo maadida
• Muttinantha OFFER
• Naanu nanna PC
• DOLLLAR alegalu
• JAVAda Jodi
• CORBAna rani
• IT Hudugara kannu US myaage
• CHAT maadu Tamaashe Nodu
• Chalisuva BRAINugalu
• MAINFRAME Dhruvadim JAVA Dhruvaku
• Gadibidi ENGINEER
• Onde SYSTEMna MODULEgalu
• Baa Nalle Usge
• PROGRAMMERara Sawaal
• COMPANY COMPANY kathe
• Shri BILL GATES Mahime
• Bhakta SABIR Das
• INSPECTOR Narayana Murty
• Koodi CODING maadidare swarga sukha
• PMna avaantara
• Veera SYBASE Lakshman
• PMge takka PROGRAMMER
• MODEM Bazaar
• JDBC bale ( A 007 movie)
• Operation E-MAIL HACKER
• NIAGARA teeradalli
• HASIRU PATRA
• NEWJERSEY
• MICROSOFTna musuku
• JAVA nanna JAVA
• PREMJI kaanike
• LOGON Death
• Lady PROGRAMMER
• E-Preethse
• Ondanondu COLLUMNnalli
• Eradu NETWORKgalu
• PB Ganda VB Hendthi
• BUGDevathe
• MS Mallige
• Messanger Muttanna
• Abachoorina INBOX
• CHATsu Tappenilla..!
• SYSTEMge Sawaal
• HACKERana Sanchu
• SILICON swapnagalu
• Nammur IT Parke
A FRIEND
A Friend….
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in “you”
(C)alls you just to say “HI”
(D)oesn’t give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust “be” with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains things you don’t understand
(Y)ells when you won’t listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality

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ROBERT JOKES
Raabert : Baas, iss aadmi ne hamaare saath gaddaree kee hai..
Ajeet : Iss kuththe ki ek haath mein titan ki ghadi aur doosre haath mein
hmt ki ghadi pehnaado.
Raabert : Lekin baas, yeh to gaddaar hai.
Ajeet : Hum jaante hain, raabert. Isko bathaana hai ki ab yeh do ghadi ka
mehmaan hai.
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Raabert : Baas, Sona kahan hai? (Where is the gold?)
Ajeet : Saara beach hamaara hai. Kahi bhee so jao raabert.
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Raabert and Ajeet are escaping in a boat and suddenly there’s a hole in the boat and
water starts coming in. Raabert is anxious.
Raabert : Ab kya hoga baas…?
Ajeet : Ek aur hole kardo, Raabert…
Raabert : Ek aur hole..?!!
Ajeet : Ek hole pe ‘IN’ likh do aur doosre hole par ‘OUT’ likh do. Paani
IN mein aayega aur
OUT se baahar jaayega…
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Ajeet : Is gaddaar ko shaampein mein dubaa do.
Raabert : Lekin kyon, baas?
Ajeet : ‘Shame se’ nahin to ‘Pain’ se mar jaayega…
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Mona comes in with a proposal to get married
Mona : Baas, Humne Toni se shaadi karni hai
Ajeet : Mona yeh bilkul nahi ho sakta
Mona : Lekin baas, yeh kyon?
Ajeet : Mona, tumne agar Toni se shaadi ke to yahan bahut monatony ho
jaigi.
Mona goes ahead, gets married and has twin boys
Raabert : Baas, Mona ke judwa ladkae hua hai.
Ajeet : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye pehle ka Peter aur
doosra Repeater
Later, Mona has twin girls
Raabert : Baas, Mona ke judwa ladkiya hua hai.
Ajeet : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye - pehli ka Kate aur doosri
DupliKate
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Raabert : Baas, mein aaj kaam pe nahin aaoonga. Mujhe stomach ache
hai.
Ajeeth : Abay bavakoof ! Har kisi ko stomach ek hi hotha hai.
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Ajeeth : Raabert, is gaddhar ko is duniya se aazad kar dho. Iski
laash ko Police Estation
ke saamne phenk dho. Aur is ke side mein ek suyi bhonk dho.
Raabert : Lekin baas side mein suyi kyon ?
Ajeeth : Thake Police samjhe ki ye suyiside hai.
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Raabert : Baas meri beevi ko theen ladke payida ho gaye hai. Mein
inka naam kya rakhoon
Ajeeth : Phele ka naam Peter rakho, dusre ka naam Repeater rakho
aur theesre ka naam
Chin Chin Choo rakhko.
Raabert : Lekin baas thesre ka naam Chin Chin Choo kyon ?
Ajeeth : Are bevakoof, woh isliye ke duniya mein har theesra
bachha Chinese hotha hai.
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Mickey Mouse : Ajit, Muzhe Ramayan padhnee hai.
Ajeet : Raabert, isse wall peh chipka do
Raabert : yeh kyon baas?
Ajeet : Taaki yeh waal-mickey kehlaygaa aur usse Ramayan apne aap
samazh me
ayegee!
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Scene: Ajit murders a man.
Ajeet : Raabert, Is aadmi ko Hero Honda ki tank mein dal do.
Raabert : kyon baas?
Ajeet : Fill it,shut it,forget it!
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Boss : Raabert!
Rab : Yes, bass?
Boss : Yeh “bus” mei kuch hawa daal do.
Rab : Lekin, kyon bass?
Boss : Yeh bus “Airbus” ban jayega.
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Robert : boss, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.
Ajit : Goli maar do. Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge.
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Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona da..arrling’s typing.
Ajeet : Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Raabert : Magar kyoon baas?
Ajeet : Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.
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Ajeet : Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger
starrt kar do.
Raabert : Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajeet : Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.

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Scene: Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed.
Ajeet :Peter, time bomb le aao aur is saale ko usse bandh do.Timer ko teek das bajhe
set kar do. Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez hamesha late karta hai. Iska mauth
bhi late hona chahiye.
Timer ko panch minute late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof, silly fellow,
time bomb ko yahan peh math rakho, yeh to ‘no-smoking’ area hai. Ha haa ha. Time
bomb ‘tic tic tic tic’ karke bajega. Aur iska dil ‘tup tup tup’ karke dhatakega. Tum
agar paas me khade hoge to tumko ‘tic tup tic tup tic tup’ suanaai dega”
Ajeet : Rabert! isko eraser se maar do, yeh mar bhi jayega aur mit bhi
jayega

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Raabert : Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet : Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise jeene nahi
dega, aur
oxygen ise marne nahi dega.
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Peter : Boss is saale ka kya karen ?
Ajeet : Ise microprocessor mein daal do…BIT by BIT marega !
Robert : aur boss..iska kya karen ?
Ajeet : Ise hamlet poison khilado…sochta rahega, to be or not to be
!
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Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet : “Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur
finish bhi aa jaayegi.
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Bob : Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.
Ajeet : Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padegak.!
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Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet : “Raabert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal doo Saale ko
Society jeene nahin degea aur security isse marne nahin degea.
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IF Bollywood Film star work for call
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centers…….. Imagine the call -
Amitabh: Thank you for calling customer care… rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian

filhaal ek customer care rep hain…
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amitabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske

manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske

manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha… uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum

jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga.
. Dharmendra: Thank you for calliiiiingg..
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa…….
Customer: I am unable to use your product… its waste and worthless Dharmendra: Kutte mein

tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna
Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai…
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh… seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna… haaaaaaaaa!!!
Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke

zamaane ke rep hain..haahhaaa
Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye….
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ….tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha…
Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera… pyar se log shabbo bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam

aasakti hoon.
Shakti: AAAuuuuuu…mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa…rep hooon..
Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi … thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga… ye dyevi nai ji … ye to dyeva hai…
Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai….. May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling… tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager dedenge to hamein manage kaun karega….
Gabbar : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ….Jo dargaya wo maraga… batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho … sirf… $10.00…dhikkaar hai
Prem Chopra: Prem…Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra…
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle
Rajkumar : Jaani ….. Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani… ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi Customer : shut up.. I

need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes… otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena… manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum

nahi… humse hai manager… manager se hum nahi…
And at last ………………
Sharukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Customer hung up the phone….

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If Titanic Movie was made in India….. in 2007 -
1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship
2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the

rain!
3) The movie could have been called “Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya”
4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian

would die in the first dip.
5) The iceberg could have been sent by the heroine’s father to teach the hero a lesson.
6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.
And last but not least
7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserve for SC/ST/OBC

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Meri Kahani Filmon ki Zabani!!!!!!!!!!!!
( i Said )
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KYA KEHNA, the first time I saw you, I asked myself HUM APKE HAI KAUN feeling that KUCH KUCH

HOTA HAI. So I decided to forward you a PUKAR from DIL SE. I thought that by the way HUM TO

MOHABBAT KAREGA…
So with my DIL TO PAGAL HAI, I dream to be your HERO No,1 and I’ll make you my BIWI No 1.

You might think that I am fooling you as BADAL Remember JHOOT BOLE KAWAA KATE. But, please

JANAM SAMJA KARO that PYAR KOHI KHEL NAHIN and I admit that HUM DIL DE CHUKE SANAM. I trust

AAP MERE HOO SANAM. I believe that HUM APKE DIL MEIN REHTE HAIN,for HAMESHA. Remember, JAB

PYAR KISSI SE HOTA HAI why not, AA AAB LAUT CHALEIN and you can come SAAJAN KI BAHON MEIN

saying that APP MUJHY ACHAY LAGNAY LAGE
There is SIRF TUM in my life. If you say YES BOSS then I will Become your JORU KA GULAM.

Don’t worry, be happy, DOLI SAJA KE RAKNA, because DILWALE DULHANIA LE JAYENGE. KAHO NA PYAR

HAI plsssssss. Many Many MOHABATEIN.
Yours Ever
TUM BIN..
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(She Replied)
MR.AASHIQ,
MUJHY KUCH KEHNA HAI…, HUD KAR DE APPNY, you saw me for the first time, AUR PYAR HO GHAYA,

by the way PYAR TO HONA HI THA. FILHAAL, I am waiting for KUNWARA AJNABI, with the qualities

of KHALADI, to whom I will say HUM TUMHARAY HAIN SANAM, the he will reply me HUM HOO GHAYAY

APP KY, and then we will be MR & MRS KHALADI, BUS ITNA SA KHWAB HAI…, so stop thinking

HASEENA MAAN JAYAGEE!!!!!!!
It’s very easy to say LOVE KY LIYA KUCH BHI KARAYGAA, but PYAR MAIN KABHI KABHI, HERO NO1

becomes CHORI CHORI CHUPKE CHUPKE, COOLI NO1.
KABHI KHUSHI KABHI GHAM are the part of ISHQ, when SAJAN CHALAY SUSRAAL as BAVARCHI but PYAY

KIYA TO DARNA KIYA……
There is AIK RISHTA between us because of it HUM SAATH SAATH HAIN and that is YARANNA.
HAMASHA,
KUCH KHATI KUCH MEETHI
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Munna Bhaie Jokes -
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PROFESSOR : Gandhi Jayanti ke bare mein kya jante ho?
MUNNA BHAI : Gandhi bahut zabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam, par apun ko yeh nehin maloom

ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.
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CIRCUIT : Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai. Apun aaj se kabhi

jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.
MUNNA BHAI : Aye Circuit, woh Sabrina ka baap aya hai tere ko dund rehla hai.
CIRCUIT : Bhai usko bolo apun gaoon gayea hai, kheti karne ko.
MUNNA BHAI : Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.
CIRCUIT : Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.
MAMU : Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai, aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL : Ullu to raat ko bolta hai, aaj din mein kaise bol pada?
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CIRCUIT : Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla hai aaj raat ko dinner pe. Mera sara chain

collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.
MUNNABHAI : Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?
CIRCUIT : Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.
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MAMU : Bhai, apnay ko char mahinay mein Sindhi sikhna padega. Kuch hal batao.
MUNNA BHAI : Kannada kyun, aur char mahinay ka kya chakkar hai?
MAMU : Meinay ek Sindhi baccha adopt kiya hai, aur woh char mahinay mein bolne lagay ga.

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PROFESSOR : Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI : Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.
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MUNNA BHAI : Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT : Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI : Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT : Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Baiel, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh

Baielgaadi.
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Circuit takes a flight to Singapore and he is seated next to an Englishman. Circuit open his

tiffin and serves himself a roti.
ENGLISHMAN : What is this?
CIRCUIT : Bread India Circuit then open the box of jalebi.
ENGLISHMAN : What is this?
CIRCUIT : Sweet India With all the food he hogged on, Munna farts. The Englishman is

offended and in shock asks …
ENGLISHMAN : What is that?
CIRCUIT : Air India
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CIRCUIT : Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU : Nehin.
CIRCUIT : To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega. MUNNA BHAI : Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus

maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU : Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI : Yaad nahin hai yaar. Bahut purani baat hai.
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MUNNA BHAI : Mamu, tu kitna padha hai?
MAMU : B.A.
MUNNA BHAI : Sala, two lafz padha aur woh bhi ulta?
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MAMU : Oye, maar gayea yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hain.
MAMU KA DOST : Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.
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CIRCUIT : Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT : Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.
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PRINCIPAL : Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200

Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.
MUNNA BHAI : Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu