Engineering Jokes

Murphy's technology laws

* Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
* Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
* Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
* If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
* The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
* The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
* An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. great discoveries are made by mistake.
* Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
* All's well that ends.
* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
* The first myth of management is that it exists.
* A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
* New systems generate new problems.
* To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
* We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
* Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Arthur C. Clark
* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
* The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
* To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
* After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
* Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
* A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
* If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
* Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
* .Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
* Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
* If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
* The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
* In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
* Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
* All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
* The only perfect science is hind-sight.
* Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
* If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
* If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
* When all else fails, read the instructions.
* If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
* Everything that goes up must come down.
Corollary: Not always
The corollary was sent by the Dark Templar
* Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
* Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
* Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
* The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
* A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
* There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
* The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
* If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Sent by - Anthony Johnson
* If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you:
1. no longer need it
2. are in the middle of something else
3. don't want it to be fixed, because you really don't want to do what you were supposed to do


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INTERVIEW
Subj: electrical engg
People come up with peculiar or funny answers in interviews or exams:
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as
compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more
space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it
was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put
back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through
?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this -----
-----, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right
over the capacitor!"
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the
ground?"
(student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"
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Engineering Days....dialogues Reminds us of those engineering days.... 4 years of non-stop of what follows... day after day... Engineering Dialogues - 1. On being Late (standing at the door... gesturing to a friend) "Andar aaon kya? Kab chalu hua?" "Attendance ho gaya kya??" "I was searching for the Classroom" "Train was late" 2. During the lecture "mera assignment tere paas hai??" "Kya bore ho raha hai. Bola tha bunk karenge." "Heads, we go home, Tails, we go home now!!!" "Journal sheet hai??" 3. Lab "Expt. 2 likha??" "Idhar Karna kya hai??" 4. Unit Test "Oh !!! Itna syllabus cover ho gaya?" "Aaj kounsa test hai?" 5. For attendance (less attendance isliye attendance badane ke liye bahane) "I forgot the I-card , so watchman didn't let me in" 6. Late submission of assignments "Maine ukko bola thaa ki copy karke mera assgnment bhi saath mein submit kar dena" "Last date extend hua thaa" "I didn't know the last date" 7. VIVA (after exam) "Yeh bhi syllabus mein thaa kya?" "Achha !!! ye aise hota hai kya?" "Ye subject ka reference book kounsa hai" " 8. VIVA (b4 exam) "Submission ab tak hua nahi hai , VIVA kya ghanta doonga" "Dekh Boss!! external bhi aadmi hai. Usko pata hai students ka ab tak preparation nahi hua hai" 9. VIVA (General) "Dekh , tu jo bhi padhega , woh (external) tereko woh nahi poochhnewaala, then watz the point" "Roll no. 1 aur 2 ko wapas bulaaya hai" "External is asking Bermuda Triangle ka Magnetic force kitna hai" "Ye kounse subject mein aata hai" "Aaj kounsa Viva hai?" 10. Submission "Ye bhi chhapna hai kya?" "Iska bhi print-out lena hai kya?" "Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?" 11. A convo: "Ye tune kya likha hai????" "Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh, jo nahi samajh mein aa raha hai uska drawing nikal" "Phir bhi, kuch to idea hoga??" "Maine uska likha hai, mera assignment check ho gaya, tu bhi wohi kar. Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh , jo nahi samajh mein aa raha hai woh chhod de." 12. Exam "Jo (mujhe)aata hai, woh (paper mein)aata nahi hai; jo nahi aata hai woh aata hai" "ye question 2 saal se nahi poochha hai" "ye last time hi poochha thaa" "tere paas iske notes hai??" "woh chapter... mark weightage 6 marks... (facial ex-pressions speaks the story)" "nahi samjha to rat le" (when someone is intensively doing his last revision) "Yeh nahi aayega !!!"
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Woh College ke Din.... Yeh degree bhi lelo ye naukari bhi lelo, Bhale Chheen lo mujhse USA ka Visa
magar mujhko lauta do college ki canteen, vo chaay ka pani vo teeKha samosaa
college ki sabse purani nishaanee, vo chaayvaalaa jise saare kehte the... jaani
vo jaani ke hathon ki 'cutting' chaay meethee, vo chupkese journal mein bheji hui chitthi
vo padh te hi chiththi uska bhadakna, vo chehre ki laali vo aankhon ka gussaa...
kadi dhoop mein apne ghar se nikalnaa, vo project ki Khatir shahar bhar bhataknaa
vo lecture mein doston ki proxy lagaanaa, vo sir ko chidhanaa ,vo aeroplane udaanaa
vo submission ki raton ko jagnaa jagaanaa, vo orals ki kahani vo practical ka kissaa....
bimaari ka detention ke time bahanaa, vo doosron ke assignments ko apnaa banaanaa
vo seminar ke din paironka chhatpatanaa, vo works! hop mein din raat pasinaa bahanaa
vo exam ke din ka bechain maahaul, par vo maa ka vishvas - Teachar ka Bharosaa...
Tour ki! wo lambisi raatein, vo doston se canteen me pyaari si baatein
vo gathering ke din ka ladnaa Jhagadnaa, vo Teachers ka yuhin hamesha akadnaa
bhulaaye nahin bhool sakta hai koi, vo college, vo shararatein vo javani...
vo kagaz ki kashti vo barish ka pani...
Always keep a photo of your "BoyFriend or Husband"in your purse. Look at it when you are in trouble.U'll feel that other problems are not as big as this one.
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